


Red Light, Green Light

by pastelgothNagisa



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Biting, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Safewords, and ai is high maintenance, and that's okay, rin tries to be a good boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 23:50:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2044848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastelgothNagisa/pseuds/pastelgothNagisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nitori Aiichiro was never one for small spaces. He avoided corners when others were in the room, he picked the desk closest to the door in class when he could, and he was ever checking behind him in his room at night. He never really noticed this, it was all involuntary. So, naturally, he never thought about why he did these things until the first time Matsuoka Rin had him pressed against a wall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Light, Green Light

**Author's Note:**

> I sorta skimmed over this, so let me know if I have any errors please!

Nitori Aiichiro was never one for small spaces. He avoided corners when others were in the room, he picked the desk closest to the door in class when he could, and he was ever checking behind him in his room at night. He never really noticed this, it was all involuntary. So, naturally, he never thought about why he did these things until the first time Matsuoka Rin had him pressed against a wall.

It hadn't been hostile, of course. They had been dating for around two months, and they had just gotten back from spring break. It had been the first time they'd been alone together in about two weeks, and Rin was demanding.

Ai had complied for a few moments, it went well until his anxiety kicked in, and then he'd been gasping and shaking and crying, and Rin had been very confused. This had been the one and only time it had happened. Rin avoided cornering Ai, asked him what was comfortable for him and what wasn't, and occasionally they'd had to stop in the middle of a kiss, or something more than a kiss, because Ai felt himself slipping out of his comfort zone. Eventually, they started using a safeword.

They'd only used it a handful of times; once, Rin was on top of Ai, hands on either side of his head to hold his weight, and Ai had felt trapped. 

 _R-red,_ he'd squeaked, and Rin backed off immediately. 

Again when they were in an argument. Rin had been angry about something, neither of them remembered what it was now, and he'd taken a threatening step towards Aiichiro. Ai's heart had fluttered, not in a good way, and he stammered the safeword, and that was it. Rin apologized; the argument was dropped in favor of more important things.

It wasn't that Ai didn't trust Rin, they'd agreed. He was just claustrophobic. It was a totally normal fear, and soon this practice became totally normal between the two students. 

* * *

 

Ai's arms were wrapped firmly around Rin's neck, one of the boy's hands pulling desperately at the fabric of Rin's shirt. Ai was vaguely aware that they were in an awkward position, but he didn't care--with his hot breath mingling with Rin's, mouths pressed together in a hungry, demanding embrace, nothing mattered. They were at a party at one of Rin's friends' houses, Ai recalled, and he hadn't wanted to go. Now they were upstairs in one of the empty bedrooms, all grasping hands and heavy breathing, and Ai was glad he'd gone anyway.

Rin went to shift positions, unable to bring himself to separate his body from Ai's, and his elbow gave out slightly. He tasted blood, heard a little whimper past the blood surging in his ears. There was a distant realization that Ai hadn't made any effort to pull away; he hadn't safeworded. So, Rin continued. A moment later he ventured a bit further, gently biting at Ai's lower lip. A sharp exhale flowed into Rin's mouth, and he felt Ai's hand ball up into a tight fist, wrinkling the back of the redhead's shirt.

Rin was genuinely surprised. Ai seemed so fragile to Rin; the wrong positions would scare him to the point where they would stop halfway through, leaving Rin slightly irritated and unsatisfied, and Ai feeling guilty and nervous. So this, this was different.

* * *

 

Ai swallows hard, mulls over the situation at hand. He's unsure how any of it started. Unsure of a lot of things, really. He knows that it involved a half-full mug of lukewarm tea, nestled carefully into one of the only clear spots on his desk--a mug that Rin hadn't seen as he'd began haphazardly moving stacks of textbooks and papers. He knows that at some point, the mug was not upright anymore. He knows that at some point, he no longer had the rough draft of his history report. He knows that now he has a sopping, chai flavored mess of smeared ink and pulpy, watered down paper remnants.

What he _doesn't_  know is why he's backed against the wall, desperately holding eye contact with his roommate and trying to hold his ground, though he hasn't had much of a chance to speak for nearly three minutes.

Rin is shouting, almost incoherently:  _you need to be neater, and this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for your insolent clutter, and it's not my fault that you kept your old tea there, it's not my fault that i'm the only one around here that ever does dishes._

Aiichiro  _knows_ the last part isn't true. He washes dishes all the time, or, as much as he needs to, given that he only has three real dishes--all of which mugs with cats on them. He can't say it though, there isn't a break. Rin's lung capacity is absolutely  _incredible_ when he's angry.

Eventually, there is a small pause, and Rin is out of cannon fodder for the moment, taking a short break to inhale and reload. Ai takes this opportunity, shouting back almost equally incoherently that  _it isn't your problem, you don't need to clean up my mess every time you come into the dorm, and that paper took me_ four hours _, and you could have just asked me to clean up, I would have cleaned up, I_ would _have, but you had to do it instead, and now--_ _  
_

"Shut up!" Rin interjects, stepping forward. Ai would step back if he could. He can't. He feels his chest tighten, his stomach clench up like it does so often.

His heart leaps into his throat as Rin's fist lands beside his head on the wall with a  _thud._ Rin is talking again, livid.

"Red," Ai chokes out, eyes wide. "Red." 

Rin's eyes narrow, he doesn't back off this time. "Don't try to guilt me!" He roars, much too close to Ai's face for comfort. Ai shakes his head, mouth open to speak, but the words are stuck in his throat, blocking his air passage.  _Red. Red._

"What, now you aren't talking?" Rin demands. Another head shake from Ai. "God, you're ridiculous." Rin growls and turns on his heel, stomping towards the door, slamming it behind him as he heads for nowhere in particular.

Ai doesn't move from his spot, fearing that his knees are too weak to support him, so he stands there, back against the wall, entire body wavering. Hot tears are rolling down his face, but he isn't making a sound. 

It's a full minute before he trusts his legs to carry him to his bed, and then he's there, clambering up the ladder and making himself as small as possible in the corner by the wall. He takes deep breaths like he's practiced in the past, doing everything he can to steady the tremors. It works, albeit slowly--it's almost ten minutes before he feels himself again, and even then, he is a broken, nervous version of himself, tearless, hiccuping sobs escaping him every few seconds. At least he feels he's back in his own body. When the panic comes, he feels distant, not quite human, more like he is a being only meant to feel fear, like he will never escape it. He always does, but that feeling never gets any less unpleasant. 

-

Rin is silent as he follows his normal route. The route he uses for daily jogs is the same one he uses to cool down, to let his temper subside, and he sometimes loses track of why he is running. 

He hasn't gotten far, he stopped running a while back. He's almost trudging now, taking every opportunity to kick pebbles down the track, hands in his pockets and heart in his stomach. He isn't angry anymore, not at Aiichiro. He's forgotten the argument altogether at this point, save for the fact that he's going to have to write a history paper for a unit he hasn't seen in a little over a year. He doesn't remember much of what happened, just that he was already aggravated when he got to the dorm, and he'd taken it out on Ai. He's trying to shove the images out of his mind, Ai crying, panicking, trembling against the wall--He's seen those images a number of times, but very rarely had he afflicted them himself. _Never_ had he fucked up  _this much._  The words are echoing in his ears,  _red, red, red._ Those words had always,  _always_ stopped Rin in the past.

He gives up on planning something to say when he comes back, and resigns himself to let these images stab at his heart until he got back. He deserved it, after all.

-

 _Click._ Ai tenses. The door creaks open slowly, and he doesn't turn around. He hasn't moved for a good half hour, he's been sitting silently in the corner of his bed, staring holes in the wall. He doesn't know what he's feeling, he mostly feels numb.

"... Ai?" Rin offers, gently.

Nothing.

"I fucked up pretty bad, huh?" Rin says, as if Ai had responded. His voice is tight, choppy.

Nothing.

"Hey, I'm really sorry." His voice lowers, shaking. "I'm an asshole. I am such an asshole." 

Rin thinks he sees a small movement, a nod?

"God, I'm  _so sorry._ " Rin's voice breaks this time, his throat is dry, his hands shaking. He knows he doesn't deserve another chance, but he wants one. He wants one  _so bad._

Rin sits down in Ai's desk chair, silent. No one speaks for a few minutes, but Rin can feel the tension dissipating some. Eventually, he gets up, moving towards the bunk bed. 

He puts a hand on the ladder, quietly, gently, as if any movement in the bed would break Aiichiro. "Can I come up?" He asks.

Silence again. 

"I'm coming up, tell me if you don't want me to." Rin says this a bit louder, with more confidence. He waits a second, and when no reply comes, he climbs up. He positions himself at the other corner closest to the wall, facing Ai, legs crossed. Ai's face is red, eyes swollen from crying and dull with indifference, and a fresh wave of guilt hits Rin.

Ai moves almost immediately, towards the ladder, and his heart sinks. 

He doesn't climb down, and Rin realizes. He's put himself close to the ladder, he can get away if he needs to. Somehow, this hurts even more.

They still don't speak. Rin looks at the mattress. Ai looks at the place where he was sitting before. They don't look at each other.

Eventually, Rin reaches his hand out, holding it inches from Ai's, pausing to see if it would be alright to touch him. Ai's hand shrinks back. Nope. Rin sighs.

After a few attempts, a few preparatory inhales and the words catching in his throat again and again, Rin speaks: "I don't know what to say, Ai. I really, really fucked up. I shouldn't have yelled at you or--any of that. I shouldn't have done any of that stuff. I'm so, so sorry." His voice was full-on shaking at this point, audibly, and it was all Rin could do to keep the tears back. He wasn't going to cry, that would seem manipulative; he needs Ai to forgive him because Ai wants to. 

Another spell of silence comes and goes; Rin breaks it again by asking, quietly, "Please forgive me?"

Aiichiro lets out a barely audible sigh, and Rin isn't sure how to take it. He tries again, reaching out his hand tentatively, and this time Ai lets him, and they sit there for a moment with Rin's hand resting lightly on his.

"You ignored the safeword." Ai mutters, his voice even, but he sounds almost surprised. Quietly astonished at the words he is saying.

Rin's stomach tightens, almost making him feel sick. "I know I did." He replies, unsure of what else to say.

"And you left me here alone." Ai's voice sounds sadder this time. Disappointed.

"Yeah." Rin wants to hide. He wants to run out of the room again, run as far away as he can and curl up. "I'm sorry."

Ai nods and moves closer to Rin, allowing more contact between them, gently resting his head on Rin's shoulder. Rin tries to stop himself from being prematurely relieved, but Ai's lithe figure against his, relaxed and trusting, makes his heart swell. He drops his head slightly, pressing a chaste kiss on top of the smaller boy's head, hoping desperately that he wasn't crossing a line.

"It'll never happen again, I promise." He declares. "I promise."

Ai's reply comes quietly, but firmly; "I know."

Rin shifts, leaning back, and Ai gets the message, looking up at him. He can't deny, Rin's eyes are sincere, adoring, even, and so, so remorseful. He can't help but feel guilty himself, now. 

"I'm sorry, too." He mutters, expecting exactly what Rin says next.

"No, don't be sorry. This was all me."

Ai nods, not necessarily agreeing, but he isn't about to argue. "I forgive you, then." He leans up, kissing Rin's cheek quickly. 

"You know I'd never hurt you, right?" Rin asks, after a moment.

"Mhmm," Ai hums, nodding. Rin plants a kiss gently on the edge of the younger student's jawbone.

"Never." 

* * *

Another bite, a bit later, this time on Ai's collarbone, drew out a positively lovely moan from the boy.

"Nn... More," Ai muttered, clawing at the sheets.

"You're beautiful..." Rin said, his voice a low growl. "I'm going to mark you up, hm?" He looked up, waiting for Ai to give an okay.

Ai nodded quickly, desperately,  _yes._

This went on for quite a while.

Eventually, Rin and Ai emerged from the room, earning quite a few glances from strangers. 

As hard as they'd tried, there was no way Aiichiro's clothes would cover all of the bite marks. Ai seemed okay with that, albeit a bit embarrassed, but that was inevitable, given that they'd just spent an hour in an empty room at a party. Rin felt so proud that his heart seemed to swell in his chest.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> People are super mean with this pairing and I really hate seeing all these portrayals of them being in a borderline abusive relationship. And I guess even I use the 'healthy relationship' tag loosely but hey, they're trying. Concrit is welcome!!


End file.
